My, oh my, how time flies

Helloooooooooo readers(:
My my, it's been a long time since I've written on my blog. I had written one down couple days ago, then I had accidentally pressed the backspace button, then I just quit haha, but I'm back on track now, yeeee(:

Life is going as planned, actually it's even better. My little brother is graduating this June, and had already went to his prom, yeah my little big bro is all grown, he's 18, and one of my best friends. I can tell him anythinggggg, well almost anything haha. Well, hes moving back to Fresno, and I can't wait! He will be going to FCC with me, and hopefully I can find him a job somewhere, because I will not be paying for allll his classes.

Mommy is doing great, she's back to yelling at me and bossing me around, that's when you know they're back to themselves. Other than myself, my mom and my sisters are theee strongest women I know. We hold eachother up, when we can no longer stand. I can not say this enought, but my fam[ily] issssssssssss my worrrrrrrld, and without them, I seriously wouldn't be where I am today. No one understands the love I have for my family, and sometimes I don't get it in return, but it's okay, because I love my family bc of who they are and what they mean to me, I don't love them because they love me in return. Love isn't always returned, but it feels great to give it.

Speaking of love, as we all know, I'm in begining and intermediate ballet, well today I had been asked to do a dance perfomance, performing on June 26, the one day before my birthday, suuuuuuuuuuuuuuper stoked about that, not gonna lie. I have been waiting and wanting to do a perfomance, and now here's my chance(: I'll let you guys know more about it when the date gets closer(: We have our first meeting this friday @11 am. I guess all the hardwork I put into dancing is finally going to pay off.

As for my other love, I found my notebook!! yeah, yeah, it's not just a notebook, it's THE NOTEBOOK, with all my notes and stories that I've come up with. Part-time writer, dancer, student, therapist, and grocery clerk, haha my life is just a hott mess, and I'm lovin it!

If my life wasn't so busy, I don't know what I would do, not so busy as in I can't do anything in my life busy, but busy enough to keep me on my toes.

I'm starving now, and waiting for that chicken to defrost so I can make me something to eat. Stir fry chicken and snow peas sounds pretty damn awesome to me(:

I think i've been able to sum up my life in no time, now it's time for me to start cooking, and pigggggggggggg outtttttttt (:

life&&dreams

It's been awhile since I've posted a blog, my life had been so crazy those past five days that there was no time to play catch up. Something happend, in my life, that threw me off my life course. Messed me up badly that I didn't know what to do and I was having my doubts again, but I was glad it happened but I wished it happened, a little later. For awhile now, I had been debating on doing what happened, and before I was completely sure, it happened. My mind went wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiild, because for a moment, I knew it was bad for me, but I had wanted it so bad, and I got it. I had to keep pinching myself to make sure what was happeneing was real and that I wasn't dreaming, because I wanted it to happen, and it finally did. I was at that point that I wanted to make sure I was awake, because at that moment, my life was better than my dreams. Soon enough, my dreams came crashing down, as soon as I knew what was the outcome of it. I was hurt again, took me a few days to get back on my life track but I had made up my mind and I feel better. There's still so many questions I want to ask, but I just don't know how to ask it. As I was going through this life issue, I had another problem added to my plate.

My mom was recently in the hospital and the doctors had said she needed an emergency surgery to remove her gallbladder. Crazy as it seems, my mother is alright, she got discharged yesterday and now she is resting. She won't be going to work for awhile, which is good, because my mom is a workaholic.

Imagine what I was going through. I lost sleep over this, and if you don't already know, I get major biotch status when I loose sleep. I had work, and just one too many things to worry about.

As many problems I have, I shut down, and I start pushing everyone out of my life. I don't want to drag people into my life, because everyone have their own problems to face. I loose friendships over this, and I rather do that then, have people worry about me or 'try to cheer me up'. I don't want you to cheer me up, nor I don't want to feel obligated to 'cheer you up'. How am I gonna cheer you up if I can't cheer myself up? How am I gonna help you If I can't help myself. Thats why I push everyone away, until I am capable enough to hold myself.

Im not gonna lie, I miss how things were for me. So easy, so happy, so free, and now after all this, I guess I took it for granted.

I push away, because I'm scared to get close, and I don't let anyone get close enough because I'm scared to get hurt. I take chances and risks, but right now, I can't afford to do it anymore. I don't know how much more I can take, before I break,fall, and crumble.

I always tell myself, "Imma rock. Im solid. No one can make or break me. I will not crumble"

I took those words to the heart, that I honestly, am the strongest person I know. I strive for what I want, and I only want whats best for me. I hate it when everyone doubts me, but watch me do me and imma be somebody. Promise.

I've got dance in my step

Ballet. Yeah, I said ballet. I've been doing this dance now for about a year and I absolutely love it(: It has changed my perspective about any kind of dance now, and the way I dance. I'm taking a beginning class and an intermediate class at FCC with Jiimmy Hao, which is a great instructor. Since i've been taking that class, I went from weighing 145 to 118 and I feel grrrreat!! I now have muscle in places I didn't think I was ever going to have(thighs), and people I know make fun of me for my manly legs haha. I really do enjoy doing ballet, and I probably want to minor in dance, which I'm going to have to do a lot of other dance classes while I'm at it. I like it when people laugh at me and go, "really omg you're taking ballet? haha in like tu-tus and stuff?" yeahhhh well, no tu-tus, and trust me, it's a lot harder than you think it is, especially for having a crazy chinese man as your instructor. I feel as if I had accomplished so much for having only doing ballet for one year, and i'm already in intermediate (: I mean heck, i'm not the best at it, but I sure ain't the worst. I'm human I make mistakes, buuttttttttt, I learn from my mistakes which makes me even better(: A lot of people doubt me, in so many ways, that make me strive and push myself to prove them wrong. All I can say is, thanks to you doubters bc without you I wouldnt have anyone to prove wrong and make ya feel stupid(: and for those who never doubted me for a second, thank you(: your admiration is amazing.
As I always say though, my life is my inspiration, I inspire to only do the greatest(:

Strike Three, You're OUT!

I've had a pretty rough couple of months I'd say, and I would always put on a smile, just to make everyone believe that I am okay, but I'm not. I'm beyond stressed, worried, and lightweight depressed. Lately, I have so many thoughts and problems that I am not able to stand anymore, I need a breather and I need to just relax, but then I can't because I realize I don't have time to just relax when there's so much at stake. I always hate being alone, because I come to realize that I really do have 99 problems. Last night/morning, was just the topper, one of the people that claimed to be my "bestie" betrayed me. I, for one, has always been there for him, whenever he needed someone, I was there, and for the one time I did need him for something that I was going through, he couldnt return the favor. I felt, betrayed, unapppreciated in the least, this will be the third time he has done this to me. So last night I was putting my niece to sleep I checked my myspace on my phone(I know myspace? It's been a min) and I saw something about a problem with a girl. I was his personal doctor, his goto girl for advice, and I knew every little thing about him and his girls or potential girls. So I was wondering why I didn't know about this one, well I text him and I got a reply saying that I shouldn't worry about it, I was a little baffled that he said that, so we got into it, and of course it ended up with him saying I'm not there for him anymore, which is total bullshit!(excuse my french) I've always put my family and friends before myself. I've helped this guy for so long, and now I just feel like it's a waste of time. So i've cut him out of my life for good now. I don't need a person like that in my life, I need someone to value my friendship and appreciate me.

It just goes to show that the people you think you can count on when you really need them, they can't do it.

All I'm saying is, if there is someone out there that's treating you the same way this fool was treating me and claiming to be your "bestie" drop him/her, they're not worth it, and they're more people out there that will value your friendship.

aunty mode to mommy mode

So, I've always had respect for mothers. ALWAYS. I know how hard is, but I didn't know it was THAT hard. Recently I've been taking care of my two year old niece, Adiya. I love that little brat, and I'd practically do anything for her(: Anyways, I have been babysitting her, just me because my parents had just got back from there vacation which, they are both very tired, and both my sisters are working. So, it's just been Adiya and I, when I wake up, she's up and I got to get her ready, give her a bath, change her clothes, brush her teeth, fix her hair, and then get her some breakfast, pretty much the whole shpeal. After I had gotten her ready, I got ready and started to clean up after the house, and as soon as I was done, it was time for me to go to work, so while I'm at work the other aunty from work comes home to watch her. Then as soon as I get off work, it's me and Adiya all over again. I change her to her jammies, and then it's time for me to put her to sleep, but of course with the help of her favorite movie, she fusses, plays, and does all the things a 2 year old does before bed, then before you know it she's knocked out cold. I don't know how you moms do it, but if I had a hat, I'd tip my hat to ya, but I'm a lady, so I wear a dress, so I'll curtsy(: As for now, I can't let Adiya run loose at this time of night, I gotta play mommy and put her to sleep now. So goodnight(: