life&&dreams

It's been awhile since I've posted a blog, my life had been so crazy those past five days that there was no time to play catch up. Something happend, in my life, that threw me off my life course. Messed me up badly that I didn't know what to do and I was having my doubts again, but I was glad it happened but I wished it happened, a little later. For awhile now, I had been debating on doing what happened, and before I was completely sure, it happened. My mind went wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiild, because for a moment, I knew it was bad for me, but I had wanted it so bad, and I got it. I had to keep pinching myself to make sure what was happeneing was real and that I wasn't dreaming, because I wanted it to happen, and it finally did. I was at that point that I wanted to make sure I was awake, because at that moment, my life was better than my dreams. Soon enough, my dreams came crashing down, as soon as I knew what was the outcome of it. I was hurt again, took me a few days to get back on my life track but I had made up my mind and I feel better. There's still so many questions I want to ask, but I just don't know how to ask it. As I was going through this life issue, I had another problem added to my plate.

My mom was recently in the hospital and the doctors had said she needed an emergency surgery to remove her gallbladder. Crazy as it seems, my mother is alright, she got discharged yesterday and now she is resting. She won't be going to work for awhile, which is good, because my mom is a workaholic.

Imagine what I was going through. I lost sleep over this, and if you don't already know, I get major biotch status when I loose sleep. I had work, and just one too many things to worry about.

As many problems I have, I shut down, and I start pushing everyone out of my life. I don't want to drag people into my life, because everyone have their own problems to face. I loose friendships over this, and I rather do that then, have people worry about me or 'try to cheer me up'. I don't want you to cheer me up, nor I don't want to feel obligated to 'cheer you up'. How am I gonna cheer you up if I can't cheer myself up? How am I gonna help you If I can't help myself. Thats why I push everyone away, until I am capable enough to hold myself.

Im not gonna lie, I miss how things were for me. So easy, so happy, so free, and now after all this, I guess I took it for granted.

I push away, because I'm scared to get close, and I don't let anyone get close enough because I'm scared to get hurt. I take chances and risks, but right now, I can't afford to do it anymore. I don't know how much more I can take, before I break,fall, and crumble.

I always tell myself, "Imma rock. Im solid. No one can make or break me. I will not crumble"

I took those words to the heart, that I honestly, am the strongest person I know. I strive for what I want, and I only want whats best for me. I hate it when everyone doubts me, but watch me do me and imma be somebody. Promise.